Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (DVD)

To say it in crude South Park language, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg “raped” Indiana Jones. The series should have never been resurrected. It should have been protected from this type of horrible movie. The movie is so bad that I recommend that you DON’T rent it solely for the fact that it may wreck whatever good feeling you had about the Indiana Jones series. Lets start with the plot. Okay, a supernatural conclusion in an unsupernatural movie NEVER works out. Its like having Desperate Housewives conclude with Eva Longoria in a bikini but taken away by aliens from the (dwarf) planet Pluto.  Okay that made no sense, but this new Indiana Jones DVD doesn’t either, so everything fits.

And don’t get me started on the casting of Shia LeBeouf as the son of Indiana. Okay, I started and I must finish the deed. As in his other roles, he plays the awkward…wait a minute! He (attempts) to play a bad ass with a motorcycle! Shia + Baddass is never a good idea. Shia absolutely THRIVES when given a geeky and lovable role (a la Sam in Transformers or even as the cute, but possibly bisexual, Louis Anthony Stevens from that Disney show).  But he just stinks it up in Indiana Jones. And sorry to break it to ya, but the LAST (L A S T) scene of the ENTIRE Indiana series is Shia awkwardly walking out of a church holding his dad’s hat. Wow. Like imagine the Star Wars series ending with C3PO and R2-D2 buzzing and beeping along, just casually walking away from the camera. LAMEEE!

I can only give Harrison Ford some credit for being so old and at least giving it one more shot. But too bad it had to end with this terrible and tarnishing (to the Indiana series) movie. I only recommend this movie if you are in dire need of something to make you REALLY pissed because you have a UFC match in an hour and you need to get pumped. The scene when Shia swings with monkeys is just MIND BLOWING!

Stats:

Rating: 1/2 out of 5 Bones

Attention Span: 30 mins, then makeout with your partner while listening to the unexplainably stupid dialogue for 90 minutes.

DVD’s Value: A used coupon to Path Mark. Maybe Spielberg will be there and give you food for no good reason! Just like he wrecked the seri…okay, I’ll stop with the hate.

Iron Man (DVD)

Marvel has done it again, only this time, better. Iron Man is the story of the legendary Tony Stark, (Downey Jr.) the successful inventive genius of the century who builds the ultimate suit of armor to escape his enemies in the Middle East. With Robert Downey Jr. casted to perfection as Tony Stark, this action packed flick is nothing but an endless edge-of-your-seats thriller. Stark’s secretary, and later on prolonged love interest, (Paltrow) is warm and bubbly, and creates perfect chemistry with Downey Jr.’s contrasting edgy know-it-all character. This classic comic book structured film was nothing but ordinary, and had us longing for a sequel, after the suprise twist after the credits. This action/comedy flick is one you will certainly not want to miss, especially for die hard Downey Jr. fans. (Girls- he’s shirtless for the majority of the film! ;))

Stats:

Rating: 5 out of 5 Bones

Attention Span: The full 125 Starkish Minutes

DVD’s Value: An Iron Man Suit and Robert Downey Jr.’s extremely good looking physique

The Incredible Hulk (DVD)

The story of a nerd turned green giant lives up to the high expectations set by its Marvel brother, Iron Man. Although not nearly as sexy as Robert Downey Jr in a man made suit, Edward Norton plays the troubled-soul role to near perfection. The only thing about Norton’s acting were the scenes in which he was trying to blend in. He stood out like a naked midget at a dwarf convention. The movie starts by showing Bruce Banner (Norton) trying his absolute hardest to get rid of his uber-radiated Hulk version of himself. Banner needs to make pivitol decisions throughout the movie, which kept us intrigued. We kept our eyes glued to the screen for each Hulk-smashing second, in awe of the Hulk’s brute strength and comical love for Liv Tyler. When all’s said and done, the Incredible Hulk is a DVD that is a must see.

Stats:

Rating: 4 out of 5 Bones

Attention Span: All of the Hulkish 112 minutes

DVD’s Value: 8 new pairs of Hulk Hands and a can of green paint

Street Kings (DVD)

a.k.a. Street Flings.

With its appealing box cover, and its all- star cast, Street Kings immediately caught our attention. We popped in the DVD, hoping for the so – called full throttle action flick we were promised. Although the film had some pretty sweet shoot out scenes, the storyline bored the living bejeezus out of us. With its uneccessary plot twists, this film was barely held up by its action scenes. The star studded cast was overwhelming, and Hugh Laurie clearly did not belong in a detective’s role. Rap stars such as Common and The Game were uneccessary additions to this movie, and did little to spice up the plot.

We made up for the lost action ourselves. =)

Stats:

Rating: 2 out of 5 Bones

Attention Span: 45 Mins.

DVD’s Value: A nice pair of new tube socks.